Entrepreneurship is hard. To run a successful business takes knowledge, skill, and money. It also takes a certain kind of personality to persist through the innumerable issues many entrepreneurs struggle with. Some business owners struggle with financial risks, competition, failures, and more failures. Some struggle with the responsibility of providing for one’s family and employee’s families.

There’s one more thing many business owners struggle with: hate.

Dealing with haters

No one was talking much about this, but as our business grew, I found I was unprepared to deal with the increasing amount of hate mail and negative interactions happening online that come from working in public.

I thought I was coping well, but in reality the stress was getting to me. Work wasn’t fun anymore, and the stress was bleeding into my personal life. I found myself more angry and quick tempered around my wife and kids.

I’m not alone. In conversations with other entrepreneurs, this topic of dealing with hate mail and negative communications often comes up. I notice some people are avoiding certain business models or business opportunities all together for fear of becoming a target of hate. Our community needed tools and support to deal with the hate that is a natural part of doing business with large numbers of people. Below I’ll share some of things I’ve put into practice to deal with hate and the stress it causes.

What are some things you do that can invite hate?


Getting hate? That’s a good indicator that you are working on something that people are passionate about. Because anything worth doing is going to upset someone.

At this time, there are over 50,000 70,000 websites running Paid Memberships Pro. The 80/20 rule we use to decide on features is only going to satisfy… wait for it… 80% of them. There will always be features that some users believe are the “most important” features. Even if we provide Add Ons or code gists to account for a certain feature, some will feel the feature should be included in the core plugin, or easier to find, or set to a different default.

You can’t help everyone.

When we were doing consulting work with about 30 clients per year, if a client needed our help with something, we could find a way to help them. We’d work a weekend, stay up late, call in a favor. Now with 50,000 users and 5,000 customers, we can’t possibly help everyone as much as they need. We get dozens of emails every day, and within those emails are plenty of people we have the ability to help but we just don’t have the time. We do the best within the services we offer and try to point them in the right direction to get help from our partners or others, but some of these people are going to get upset.

And some of these users, customers, and potential customers are going to be so upset that they’ll post negative reviews, email us mean things, or even threaten us with legal, financial, or physical harm.

What are some things you do that can prevent hate?

Before I cover a few tips about how to handle hate that comes your way, let me first share a few tips on how to avoid some of the hate.

  1. Offer a 100%, no questions, money-back guarantee.
  2. Process refunds quickly.
  3. Manage expectations in your copywriting.

I cover these topics a bit more in our posts About Refunds and Our 100% Money-back Guarantee and Great Advice for Decreasing Refund Rates.

Managing expectations is hard. There is a fine line between managing expectations and talking people out of buying your product. One thing you definitely can do is keep expectations in mind when processing a negative review or email. Could you have realistically prevented this hate mail without negatively impacting your other customers or revenue.

Dealing with Hate You Can’t Prevent

Here are some general steps I take whenever dealing with an emotionally charged email, review, or support request.

  1. Look for constructive criticism.
  2. Write a first draft. Delete it.
  3. Put yourself in hater shoes.
  4. Reply professionally.

Look for constructive criticism.

Even the most hateful of emails and reviews can be parsed for constructive criticism. The messenger may be a complete douchebag, but it’s still okay to learn from it. Maybe there is a bug to fix. Maybe you could update your documentation to make something more clear. Maybe you could update your sales copy to fix expectations.

Don’t feel like you have to take Mr. or Mrs. Hateful’s advice just because they are screaming. Be counscious whenever the “squeaky wheel” is getting the grease. Ideas you parse from negative feedback might be a good or bad. Process it like you would any other feedback.

Write a first draft. Delete it.

Open a blank notepad (that you can’t accidentally submit) to write your reply. The first draft should just be livid and dig into how much of a loser this person is for wasting your time… etc etc. Then delete it. Maybe others won’t need to unload like this, but I find it helps me a lot. It makes it much easier then to step back and address the message objectively.

Put yourself in hater shoes.

Your first response is going to be to lash back or get defensive. That’s why you delete your first draft. After that, take a moment to try to understand why the person is so upset. Some people are just rotten and evil, but maybe they are just having a really bad day. Until proven otherwise, give the user the benefit of the doubt.

One thing that opened my eyes a lot with regards to the hate mail we get is when I realized that we are selling more than just payment software. In a lot of ways we are selling a dream. People dream of using our software to make money, start a business, quit their day job, or to grow their associations in order to push forward their goals of social change. Heavy stuff. They spend hours or days trying to set up Paid Memberships Pro, run into problems, and then reach out to us… just to have to wait a few days for a response or be told they need to spend money they weren’t ready to spend. It is frustrating.

I also think about the “professional hagglers” who’ve been trained by bad customer service over the years to believe that loud threats are the best way to get someone’s attention. Sometimes “flipping the script” on these folks and treating them like human beings goes a long way to calming them down enough so you can help in the way you are willing to help.

Reply professionally.

No matter how irate the original message is, make sure that your reply is controlled and professional. With public posts in particular you will want to address the underlying concerns and issues behind the message. Even if it’s likely the poster has moved on (or you want to encourage them very much to move on), reply for the sake of anyone else who might stumble upon the post. Always reply to bad reviews or comments.The public will see a very irrational negative post, followed by your very rational reply. If your average reviews and publicity are generally positive, your replies will temper the occasional negative post.

Dealing with Stress

So now you might know how to pull useful feedback out of a hateful email. You’ve learned some tips for avoiding some of the hate mail. And you’ve learned a rough system for handling and replying to the hate mail. Even if you try your best to do this with robotic repetition, reading hateful words with your morning coffee is a bad way to start the day. You’re likely to get defensive and experience a nice little rush of adrenaline that could set you off balance for the rest of the day.

In addition to the typical stresses of running a business, as far as my mind and body are concerned I’ve been doing the equivalent of a hostage negotiation 2 to 3 times a week for the past few years. Here are some things I do to manage the stress:

  1. Mediate
  2. Isolate
  3. Use the Buddy System
  4. Engage Happy Customers


I’m not a prolific mediator, but even 5 minutes of calm mindfulness every other day or so (I use the calm.com app) gives me a kind of super power. When I started meditating regularly I became better able to slow down, to recognize my natural emotional reactions as just emotions that will pass, and to step outside of myself a little bit so I could process hate mail and negative comments without taking it personally.

Meditating has also helped me in my personal life. Regular meditation helps to curb your knee jerk reactions when managing unruly kids, and it helps in the same way with unruly users and customers.


I try not to read messages from our contact form while I’m getting my kids ready for school. I don’t check the WordPress.org reviews before a meeting or a coding session. In general, I make sure I’m mentally ready to deal with hate before I wade into the inbox or forum where hate lurks.

After dealing with support or another piece of stressful work, I try to have a buffer before I move onto anything else in life. I’ll take a walk, play a quick video game, or meditate for 5 minutes or so.

Use the Buddy System.

For a while, I had been shielding Kim from the worst of the communications coming into our business. As I started to struggle with things, I handed contact form duties off to her. She started to process the wide range of email coming in, from good-natured questions, to slightly annoying requests, to the full on hate mail. A week or so in, she looked at me with a horrified face like “you’ve been dealing with this all along?”

We have a larger support team now, and most of them bear the incoming hate at some level. The worst cases still get escalated to me, but since the smaller issues are handled by my team I’m in a better state when I work on the cases I do address.

Our team chat is now also a place we can use to vent, get stuff off our chest, and just generally laugh at how surreal customer support can be.

If you don’t have a team of your own, you can search for other business owners going through the same thing. The Supporting WordPress Products Facebook Group is a great example of a place where business owners come together to help each other through sharing advice and also just being there to listen.

Engage Happy Customers

Unhappy customers are going to be so much more likely to post something in public than customers that don’t run into issues. Every once in a while, and also as part of some of our automated reminders, we try to prompt happy customers to post a review or testimonial. We will often follow up to successfully closed tickets with a request to share an honest review of our plugin on the wordpress.org repository. And every once in a while, we make an ask to our mailing list for folks to write reviews and testimonials. We get a lot of positive feedback from these asks, and the positive reviews on wordpress.org help to diminish the 1 star reviews there. (For each 1 star review we get, we need 3 five star reviews to maintain a 4+ star rating.)

Besides getting some nice things written about us and helping with Internet points, reaching out to happy customers also reminds us why we’re doing this. It feels good to engage with people who are benefiting from our hard work.

In Summary

The amount of hate you have to deal with day to day will scale with the size of your business, and you may not be ready for it.

There are some things you can do to avoid some of the hate, like 100% money-back guarantees and clear copywriting. However, you won’t be able to stop it all.

When hate comes in, look for constructive criticism, discard your first drafts, try to empathize, and reply professionally.

To help with the stress of dealing with this hate, meditate, isolate, use the buddy system, and engage with happy customers.

These kinds of posts are difficult for me, because I fear what our own unhappy customers will think of this. I’m ready for it. But I do hope that my experience here is useful to other businesses working to keep their customers as happy as possible while also staying sane and productive.

Let me know if you have any thoughts or tips with regards to dealing with negativity with your customers.

Comments (35)

You’ve got a great product (I’m setting up another client site with it right now, actually), and the support / knowledgebase is probably the best I’ve come across in 8 years of doing sites with WordPress.

You’re doing it right. Good work. Great article.

Thank for sharing this Jason. We too have been online for 20 years – and so many customers, that we have our share of haters too. And being that we work with the LGBT community – we get some hate mail that says God is against us and we’ll burn in a pool of fire.

I use the same techniques. Meditation is important! I isolate. I ALWAYS delete my first draft! And then…. I offer 100% refund, or if I can do more I can. A rotten apple spoils the whole barrel in an online community. Moderation is scary, but we have to NOT drink the hateraide! (Or let anyone else)

I want to close this comment on some love mail. Your software has been bullet-proof, and reduced chargebacks. It’s been the best we’ve worked with including our own custom written code we used for a decade. I find if I need your services, instead of whining – I send you $$$ with a hope you will have time for us. Isn’t that how it should be?

Thanks for all your hard work!

This is a great post, Jason – with tips that are so important, even if some of them can be so difficult to follow sometimes.

I kinda love that you went between spelling “meditation” as “mediation” in your discussion, because I think both are critical – mediating the stress and tension level and hot emotions can go a long way, just as creating a quiet, reflective space as in meditation can.

For me, perhaps the hardest of the pieces you outline above is to find the constructive criticism in the hate. In snark, OK, I can usually find it. But when it goes full-on to the red-line of the hate-o-meter? That’s a tough place to find a kernel of truth – at least for me. Sometimes, it seems to take iteration – step away a few moments, write the draft for the trash, think about my adrenaline level, and then look for the helpful nugget buried in the dung pile.

I’d point out that even if you’re a solo or tiny shop, the notion of building a support system or team can be implemented – even if it’s not doing the actual work. In earlier lifetimes when I was working solo, it was hugely cathartic to have a network of others (not co-workers, but family, friends, or others doing similar work) that I could reach out to and share absurdities, frustrations, and sardonic laughter. Even without a multi-person team, that can be put together.

I know these kinds of posts are deviations from the norm for you, and can be uncomfortable to write – not only because of bracing for reaction, but because they are a more personal tone. But the issues you outline are universal in any customer-facing business, and if they didn’t bother you, then it would mean you didn’t care about the customer. So perhaps the heartburn beats the alternative – as long as there are tools to cope with it effectively.

Thanks for the kind words and for sharing your insights.

> For me, perhaps the hardest of the pieces you outline above is to find the constructive criticism in the hate.

Definitely. I find that this usually comes last instead of first. A few days later, we will be like “You know that angry customer we ended up firing kind of had a point…” :/

Hi Jason,

I don’t use your plugins. But, this article is a gold. I can relate many of the things mentioned in the article. I am a sysadmin. On certain days, I wake up with emails from clients or from my automated uptime monitoring systems that the site or server was down (albeit temporarily) due to reasons that are beyond my control. That put me off balance immediately. I am not going to give up and I am going to deal with them from now!

Thanks so much!


Thank you for this very insightful post, it shows how passionate you are about your work and how compassionate you are to your customers. I have yet to use Paid Membership Pro on a site but I have seen over the time that I set a test site to see how it might work for me and the regular and very helpful emails that you send out that I would have no problems dealing with your company and product. Keep up the great work.

Wilf James.

I am also a WordPress plugin business owner and like you rightly explained, there are a lot of hate flying around. At the beginning of starting out, i normally ensure i reply to every support and review posted about my plugin on WP.org as soon as i get notified via email and quite frankly, it made me depressed.

Over the years, i have learned to postponed and deal with hateful comments and mails before i go to bed than to start my day with them.

You are not alone Jason. So glad you’ve spoken this out as this is one problem that don’t get talked about often.

Great article on a subject that tends to not get much discussion. It is just as real and important as marketing pages and social accounts. And a part of any growing business. Our company offers a service that provides a team to help handle not just the difficult but all of the support request at wpSaaS.net

Well said. You guys provide a great customer experience on my end. Happy to be working with you all.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

This is just what i needed to read today! Really great advice and its so nice to know that i am not alone in this.
Thank you so much for this article and i will def be bookmarking this for future reading.

Are you ready for some more ‘love-mail’? I’m fairly new to WordPress site-building and I’ve plugged PMPro into all the membership/subscription sites I’ve built. Support is great and so is the product. This article hit the spot today. Thank you!

Can’t agree with this more (and the article has certainly led to some self-reflection… as I’m sure I’ve left some rather curt messages in the various support systems when dealing with some frustrating issues on my end), but most of the experience I’ve had with PMPro has been nothing but the display of the highest professionalism. Keep up the good work.

Well done Jason. One additional idea that may help – Just be ‘upfront and honest’ with your customers at all times, like you have been in this article.

E.G. ‘We have x number of customers but only a very small and dedicated team. While we’d love to be able to respond to each and every query, we sometimes don’t have the time. Please bear with us, and know that we are doing the very best that we can.’

Most people are reasonable providing you give them suitable facts and information to be able to empathise with your situation.

All the best,


Great article!

I can really relate to this as I used to deal with feedback about the website for a large publicly-owned organisation, and it could be incredibly disheartening at times. Like you, I found the ‘write a draft and delete it’ technique invaluable!

And, as you say, it’s essential to remember that feedback is often written when people are frustrated (because something has changed or isn’t working as they expected), so the message is often far angrier than they would normally write.

Sometimes, after I’d replied, I would get people apologising for the hateful things they’d written. I used to treasure those messages, as it reminded me that what I was doing was worthwhile – I’d managed to help someone, and to ease their frustration.

Thanks for sharing.

People DO get nicer when they hear back from a real human being. I’ve heard from some business owners who even cherish these kinds of born again customers who were very hateful but got turned around.

I tend to not go that far. If the initial interaction is hateful, the bridge is burned with me and I’m mostly doing damage control and not trying to keep that person as a customer. Perhaps this is somewhere where I could grow.

What a great post.
Jason as a professional coder and someone who has given so many people a product that has made their websites so great, you are one of the few in this world who has always helped and given helpful advise where it is needed. Your support team now ( and before) are among the best there is for a product like this.

When I read reviews I always look at both sides, however if there are many good and great reviews, and only a few negative reviews, then the good win over the negative.

I know we dont see all of your not so good reviews, but the ones I have seen are just because either the person just doesnt grasp the software and how it works and what it can do, or they are really beyond help and are just grumpy about everything.

You ( and we) will always get the not so good in what we try and do for others, but you, Kim and your Team are one of the best I have dealt with when it comes to software. And a great piece of software like you have.

Stand tall and know there are 80% at least of the members out there, really appreciate what you guys do for us.

I have spoken to you personally, on email, and could never fault your professionalism.

Keep it up. ( and the meditation. it is really great for calming the mind and body)



I don’t hate anyone, but I am currently having real trouble setting up a PMPro site. I have a huge support thread going and I keep getting the same suggestions over and over (they don’t work). Any chance you could look in on it? Much of the help I have gotten has been great, but here at the end, right at the finish line, things have really bogged down.

I’m totally stumped and frustrated.


Sam Bean

Hi Sam,

Apologies for only seeing this now. We get so many comments daily that it is easy to miss some from time to time. If you are still having difficulties with your topic, please drop us an email using the contact form on our contact page so that I can take a closer look into this for you. You can also “attention” it to me.

Leave a Reply

For faster support related to issues on your specific site please open a ticket in our members support area.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *